The Difference
by avoidingnemo
Summary: Ryan's first Chrismukkah with the Cohens makes him reflect on his last Christmas in Chino.


Disclaimer: Sadly, I still own nothing. Maybe Josh would let me borrow Ryan for a week or two...  
  
A/N: Another big thank you to Jo. How about I share Ryan with you when Josh hands him over as payment?

* * *

"C'mon, Ry, get up. It's Chrismukkah!" Seth exclaims while holding his arms outstretched and turning slightly from side to side.  
  
"Seth, it's nine o'clock. Go away," Ryan grumbles and rolls back over.  
  
Seth ignores the obvious fact that Ryan is still trying to sleep. "Yeah, I know. I've been up since six but Mom wouldn't let me wake you before now. Get dressed. We're all in the living room, waiting for you. Dude, it's Chrismukkah. There are, like, presents everywhere!"  
  
Ryan turns back over and glares at Seth. "If you wouldn't have kept me up until after three this morning 'waiting for Santa', I might be up by now."  
  
"Yeah, and the least the parentals could've done was make it sound like reindeer were landing on the roof. Where is the Chrismukkah spirit?" Seth complains. Turning his attention back towards the sleepy blonde, Seth continues his task at hand. "Ryan, it's time to embrace the spirit of Chrismukkah. There might even be some wife beaters under the tree for you," he says in a sing-song voice.  
  
Ryan glares at Seth again, but gives in this time anyway. "Fine. Just let me get a...."  
  
"Cup of coffee? Already taken care of. Just, c'mon."  
  
Ryan lazily rubs at his sleep-filled eyes as he follows his overly enthusiastic brother into the house. Seth immediately drags him toward the living room. "Look, dude. Look at all the presents," he says as a smile appears on his face. He's on a natural high just from being in the mere presence of the presents.  
  
"Morning, Ryan. I held him off as long as I could," Kirsten says, smiling, trying not to laugh.  
  
"Okay, who wants to go first? No one? Okay, I'll start," Seth gushes all in one breath.  
  
Taking the first present under the tree, he reads the tag out loud. "To Seth From Santa." Seth looks over at Kirsten. "Santa? C'mon, Mom. What am I? Eight?" he whines.  
  
Ryan looks at the Christmas tree that's so elegantly decorated. The tiny white lights were giving off a glow, reflecting off the beautiful matching ornaments that hang off every branch. The ornaments are now considered a family heirloom, since they belonged to Kirsten's late mother.  
  
As Ryan watches Seth open his first present, his mind goes back to his last Christmas in Chino.

* * *

  
  
Trey came stumbling into Ryan's room. He was just getting home from his all night bender. "Merry fucking Christmas, little bro," Trey said bitterly.  
  
"Trey? What the hell? It's too early."  
  
As Ryan started to wake up, he registered what Trey had said and remembered it was Christmas. "Is Mom up?" he asked, trying to mask the hope in his voice.  
  
Trey recognized the hope in his little brother's voice and softened a bit. "Nah, she's still passed.... She's still asleep on the couch. Go back to sleep."  
  
A while later, Ryan woke up to noises coming from the living room. He got up and went to see what was going on.  
  
"Oh, honey, you're up. Merry Christmas. Doesn't the tree look nice?" Dawn asked, excited.  
  
The tree was the same one they'd had since Ryan was a little boy. The branches were bare where some of the needles had fallen out over time. A set of colored Christmas lights and colored Christmas balls hung on the branches as decoration. What caught Ryan's eye the most was the tinsel. There was lots and lots of tinsel. Ryan knew it was because tinsel was cheap. To Ryan, the tree looked like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  
  
Ryan didn't want to disappoint his mom. He smiled the best fake smile he could. "Yeah, Mom, the tree looks great."

* * *

"Okay, Seth let's give someone else a turn," Kirsten jokes while handing Ryan a present. Turning her attention toward the quieter teen, who's clearly unsure about what to do, she pauses before continuing. "I hope you like it. I saw it in the store and it looked like something you might enjoy.... Here, just open it."  
  
Ryan takes the rather large box from Kirsten. "Ummm...thanks, guys. Really it's too much," Ryan's voice is shaky at best.  
  
"Dude, c'mon. You haven't even opened it yet. Don't start turning away presents when you don't even know what they are," Seth advises his friend.  
  
Sandy, sensing Ryan's lack of comfort, cuts Seth's rant short. "Seth," Sandy warns before turning his attention back towards Ryan. "Go ahead, Ryan, open your present."  
  
Ryan opens the box to find two large books on architecture, a drafting kit, and specialty paper. He looks up to see Kirsten watching him. She looks like she is holding her breath, waiting to see his reaction. He masks his feelings. He won't let anyone see how much this present actually means to him. A present that not only cost more than he is used to, but also signifies an interest in his future. That is something he has never had and doesn't know how to handle. "Thanks. It's great. Too much, but great. I...thanks."  
  
"The other part of the present is being delivered tomorrow," Kirsten beams. She knows she's made the right choice in what to buy Ryan. She sees the smile he tries so hard to hide.  
  
"Other part?" Ryan asks, shocked.  
  
"The drafting table. You can't sketch properly without one."

* * *

Dawn tried to fake enthusiasm for her son's benefit. "What do you say we open the presents then have some lunch?"  
  
What she really wanted was a drink. 'I can do this. I can stay strong for Ryan. It's only one day,' she reminded herself.  
  
"I'll go get Trey," Ryan said, smiling a genuine smile.  
  
'Maybe this year will be different,' he thought with the slightest hint of hope.  
  
Ryan, Trey, and Dawn gathered around the Christmas tree. Under the slightly leaning and sparsely decorated spruce laid four poorly wrapped packages.  
  
'This shouldn't take long,' Dawn thought bitterly.  
  
She put on her bravest face and handed the first present to Ryan. "Here, sweetie, open it."  
  
Ryan opened the big box to reveal a black leather jacket. He looked at the jacket and saw that that it had been slightly used. That didn't bother him as much as the size. He knew the jacket was too small for him. He hid his disappointment that his own mother had no idea what size he wore. "Thanks, Mom. It's real nice."  
  
Dawn beamed like she had won a prize.

* * *

"Okay, Ryan, last present. It's from yours truly," Seth gloats.  
  
"Thanks, man. You didn't have to."  
  
"I know, I know. It's too much. Yeah, we've heard all of that. Less talking, more opening."  
  
Ryan opens the present to find a box full of cds, a book, and a movie. "Seth, this looks like the Seth Cohen starter pack you tried to give the girls and they refused."  
  
"That's true, Ryan, but the Seth Cohen starter pack had things I liked in it. This pack is more like a Ryan Atwood starter pack." Pointing to the cds, Seth explains. "Look, these are the cds that you always borrow from me. The book, _Kavelier and Clay_, is about two guys that find themselves to be more like brothers, really, much like us. And the movie is a classic. Okay, so this part is from the Seth Cohen starter pack, but c'mon, _The Goonies_ is a classic. Who doesn't love the search for hidden treasure and Sloth, he's...."  
  
Kirsten decides to interrupt what could be a long rant on Seth's part. "Boys, why don't you go put your things away while we set the table for lunch?"  
  
A little while later, everyone sits down at the table to eat. There's enough food to feed at least twelve people. There are two kinds of meat, vegetables, three different breads, and dessert. Ryan can't get over the amount of food. He knows that some families don't have this much to eat all week. He also knows whatever isn't eaten will be thrown away. Kirsten doesn't eat leftovers...she's never had to.  
  
Lunch is wonderful. Once everyone finishes eating, Ryan offers to clean the table.  
  
Putting the last dish in the dishwasher, he turns to Seth, who's 'supervising' the clean up. "So, Seth, are you up for a little Playstation?" Ryan asks, eyes gleaming.

* * *

"Oh, little bro, I almost forgot. I have your present in my room. C'mon," Trey said with a wink.  
  
Ryan followed Trey into his room. Trey handed his younger brother a carton of cigarettes and a box of condoms. He pointed at the condoms. "Don't let Mom see those. She's still pissed she caught you sneaking out of Theresa's window the other night." Trey gave Ryan a knowing smile and patted him on the back as if to say, 'way to go'.  
  
Ryan looked down bashfully. "Thanks."  
  
"Anytime. We Atwood's have to stick together. Help each other out."  
  
Ryan nodded and walked toward the door.  
  
"Oh, Ry?"  
  
Ryan stopped and turned back to face his big brother. "Yeah?"  
  
"Here. Take my jacket. It will be a little big on you, but it will work. We both know that jacket Mom got you is too small. She won't know the difference anyway," Trey finished bitterly.  
  
While the boys were in Trey's room, Dawn decided to make lunch. She opened the refrigerator only to find a half-empty package of sandwich meat. 'This will have to do.'  
  
As Dawn started making the sandwiches, she couldn't help but notice her hands shaking. 'God, I could really use a drink right now. One drink won't hurt. Maybe if I disguise it so Ry doesn't know,' she rationalized.  
  
She opened the refrigerator once more and pulled out the orange juice. 'Screwdriver...perfect.'  
  
One drink turned into two, and soon, Dawn quit bothering to mix the vodka and orange juice, resorting to drinking the hard liquor straight from the bottle. By the time the boys returned, Dawn was too drunk to remember that she was supposed to be making lunch. Instead, she was sitting on the couch, watching the TV.  
  
Trey immediately recognized the hurt look on Ryan's face. "Fix yourself a sandwich and then we might as well...." He trailed off. Trey handed Ryan a bottle of rum from the cabinet. "Celebrate," he finished dryly.

* * *

Hours later, Sandy and Kirsten walk in the living room, interrupting the Playstation marathon. "Finish that game and then put the Playstation away. Dinner is ready," Kirsten states in her most motherly tone.  
  
"_Game over_," flashes on the screen. "Mom, you made me lose," Seth whines like a child who's just lost his puppy.  
  
Ryan smirks. "Seth, your mom didn't make you lose. You just suck," he says in a matter of fact tone.  
  
"Dude, she doesn't know that. It's all about seeing what they'll do for us out of guilt. We could've been allowed to play another game if you hadn't ruined my plan."  
  
"Seth," Kirsten warns.  
  
"So, Mom, what's for dinner?" Seth asks, admitting defeat.  
  
"Actually, I thought we would try something new this year. We're having a traditional Christmas dinner." She laughs. "We are having leftover turkey sandwiches. It was your father's idea."  
  
Seth looks shocked. "But, Mom, you don't do leftovers."  
  
"Well I am not allowed to cook either, so we're having leftovers."  
  
"Admitting it is half the battle, Mom."  
  
After dinner, Ryan walks in the pool house with Seth following behind. Ryan notices immediately the curly haired boy's defeated posture. "Seth, are you okay?" he asks with concern.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just...Chrismukkah is...over," Seth explains. His face is so sad. He looks like he's just been deprived of his favorite Playstation game or worse yet, Captain Oats.  
  
Ryan looks at Seth like he's crazy but recovers quickly. "Seth, it'll come back around next year," he consoles, trying to inflect sympathy.  
  
"I know, Ryan, but Chrismukkah is over. Over, dude."  
  
Seth walks out of the pool house and Ryan sits down on his bed. He lets Seth's words sink in while he flips through one of the books Kirsten had given him. He realizes that he, too, is a little sad that the day is over. Ryan looks at all of his presents and smiles a bittersweet smile. He sighs. 'Chrismukkah is over,' Ryan tells himself, aware of his own depression.   
  
By dinner time, none of the Atwood's cared that they'd been deprived of a Christmas feast. Ryan was the only one sober and that fact alone was enough to make food the last thing on his mind.

* * *

"Well, little bro, Christmas is over," Trey slurred.  
  
"Yeah, but at least this year was better than previous ones. The cops didn't show up and I don't have a black eye. That's something," Ryan reasoned.  
  
Ryan looked over at Dawn passed out on the couch. His mood darkened immediately. He walked over and laid a blanket over his mother before turning his attention back towards Trey. "I'm just glad it's over," he said flatly.  
  
"Me too." Trey noticed the change in Ryan's mood. "Night, Ry," Trey said softly before leaving his little brother alone to battle the demons that lived inside his head.  
  
"Night, Trey." Ryan sighed heavily.  
  
Ryan tried to think positively, but all he could think about was that, once again, his mother couldn't make it through the day without alcohol to 'take the edge off', as she liked to call it. He sighed again. 'At least Christmas is over,' he thought with defeat.

* * *

Determined to shake off the memories of his last Christmas in Chino, Ryan puts the book down on the bed and stands up. His back is to the door as he surveys the pool house. 'Now where am I going to put the drafting table? I bet it has a lamp. I am going to need something to hold my drawings. A portfolio or a cabinet or....' Ryan's thoughts are going a mile a minute. A few months with Seth can do that to a person.  
  
The new drafting table that will arrive tomorrow is like another day of Chrismukkah for Ryan. He smiles to himself when he realizes how jealous Seth will be that his holiday was cut short relative to his brother's. Ryan makes a mental to rub it in over breakfast in the morning. Seth was definitely rubbing off on him. 


End file.
